?

Log in

Previous 10

Jan. 2nd, 2008

Hedberg

Hi, 2008.

I barely update this. That's okay, I don't have much reason to. Most of my inner-thinking has turned into outer-thinking, thanks to therapy and a decent relationship. So I figured I'd give Mr LJ a bump, and make him feel wanted.

2007 brought me equal amounts of stress and bliss. My life is consistently a Yo-Yo, though I wish it'd just stay wound sometimes. That being said, this Yo-Yo has brought me Benji, a new job, a new home and a healthy mind and for that, I'm pretty fucking grateful.

I'm pretty over too much that exists in this world, but find that I'm consistently comforted by an episode of Heroes, Gilmore Girls or Top Gear, or sharing a drink with the boy, or rolling paper bags into snake shapes so I can have a pet and give him a name.

I pick up my new car (well, new to me... I think it's older than I am) just after my next pay day. His name is Stanley, and he's a Volvo. Whilst it's not ideal (I think I single-handedly will melt more icebergs in one hour than most do in a lifetime...), I don't have a lot of choice, and I won't be driving it much. Mostly we'll use Ben's car anyway.

Anyway, bye for another chunk of time, Mr LJ.

Nov. 20th, 2007

Me

I'm really glad I've got you in my corner.

So, here I am.

I figured it out. Well, sort of. I've figured out enough, for now.

Never did I think I'd be in a job where I had authority. Where not only would I be making a difference, and be having people report and answer to me, but where I would LIKE to be working! And getting along, and feeling appreciated. I think my boss really likes me, and it seems like we have a really good rythm going on. One of our staff members resigned today (gave us lots of notice, which was appreciated) so now I get to do stuff like recruiting, and interviewing, and short listing. I can't believe I made it here. Who'd have though stints in banks and telecommunications companies could lead me to running a customer service team at an online DVD rental company? Not I, man. I figured I'd be from job-to-job for a few years while I figure myself out. And yet, I'm pretty okay here. I get paid a good wage, I work with decent people (I think I might have made a decent friend in one of the project managers too), and I'm working with a product I dig. Pretty much all I've ever expected from a normal person job, y'know? Good. I'm happy here for now.

I moved in with Ben on the weekend (well, my stuff anyhow), and I'm pretty much glowing all over. I come home, we have a few drinks, bitch about our days, maybe watch a movie or some Sopranos, make dinner, have a laugh... He's easily the best and most excellent person I've ever known. Different to anyone I've ever "liked"/been attracted to, in the sense that initially it was totally physical. Which sounds terrible, but to be honest, maybe I didn't know him that much when we started hanging out. It was just sheer good luck that we got on so well, and had to much in common. Usually I'm all about the mental stuff, but this time it's worked out the other way around. Score. I'm blissfully happy.

So the other night, I went to sleep and had this dream about Rach. We were walking together in a record store, and she turns to me and goes, "I never saw much point in suicide". And then I woke up. I'm sure it means something, but I don't care. It's the first non-nightmare dream I've had about her in... well, since she died. She looked beautiful too, her hair was white and her eyes were sparkling. I like to think that's the way she look when she went away.

So, I might drink a little more than I used to, and I might have a few more nightmares than normal... But so far, everything's okay. I'm good. It's nice.

And I'm in love, and my job is good, and my house is nice. And I can afford decent make-up, and to splurge on a "Troy" DVD box set and "Finding Nemo" on DVD... And I think I'm happy.

I miss Scott a bit, but only in the sense that I miss his company. I still find it odd that I can't talk about wrestling with someone. But I love that we're still friends, and that things like drinks and smiles and hanging out aren't out of the question. And that he can talk to me about girls, and I can talk about Ben. That's the way it should be. I hope he finds someone much, much better than I ever could have been. I mean, I think it sucks a little that a lot of our friends have chosen sides (like it was needed... most civil and loving break up ever), but I get it.

So that's it. The world of miss En Jay.
Someone remind me to marry Mecca Cosmetica.

Oct. 19th, 2007

Me

Life moves pretty fast...

Good god. Life moves too fast for me to be able to keep up.

I chucked in my hairdressing apprenticeship, partially because I couldn't afford it (well, mostly), and partially because I didn't feel like I could give 100% to something like that at this point. Plus, working with A LOT of sixteen year old girls was tough... Not because they were horrible, but because it's just generally hard to be talked down to by someone who doesn't get you, because you're so far beyond where they're at in life.

And yet, in the same day I explained this to the people who offered me the job (who didn't care that I left anyhow), I scored a job that I can do. That I'll enjoy. Working with a product I LOVE. Getting paid more than I've ever earnt before. In a young company, working with people my age, who share my interests. It excites me to no end... Finally, it's happened. I knew there was a reason why I kept floating from job to job, waiting for something that really excited me to come along. This is why. I just pray I'm in a decent enough head space to not fuck this up royally.

And I'll be able to afford to move. Whether it's in with Ben, or by myself, whatever. But I can do it. I can more than afford it now. I can afford to move, and live comfortably. I haven't been able to do that... Well, ever. Thank god for progress. I needed this so badly.

I love that my idea of celebrating all of this is two bottles of Canadian Club, getting laid and watching Sideways with my boyfriend... I love that we're quiet people, who don't want to go out. We want to stay home and hang. I like that I have a best friend again.

It got real lonely for a while there.

Oct. 9th, 2007

Me

(no subject)

Let's discuss the many brick walls I've been hitting.

HOME

I loathe it here. Don't get me wrong, eternally grateful for my parent's hospitality, and the fact that I have a roof over my head, but I'm just not designed for home, and particularly for here. This place is full of horrible memories, and seems to inspire so much more head-fucking nightmares and panic attacks that anywhere else. I can't breathe, I can't speak. I haven't written anything constructive (musically, I mean) in over a month. It's like having the colour drained from your life. And yet, I can't do anything about it. I get a job, I try and make contacts, but I've still got nowhere to go. No one wants me around, and I can't afford to be alone. I'm getting fucking sick of square one.

WORK

So, I did it. I got a job I don't think I'll hate, that can be both a decent career path, and a good learning experience. Lord knows anything hair and beauty related is right up my alley. But god damn, even this really good thing I've done for myself is a headache. I can barely afford the fuel to get to work, when my parents get back I won't have a car to get to work, I have to fork out over $350 to buy my starting kit, and I'm petrified that it's all too much already. I'm going to end up foodless and homeless (especially since my parents are moving soon), and there's not much I can do about it. I never thought I'd be sitting at a computer, crying uncontrollably and wondering if I'm going to be able to eat after the weekend, and yet here I am. Shit.

BOYS

There's no point in having a boyfriend who can only stand to be around you 50% of the time, and who only appears to like you or be attracted to you after he's been drinking. I guess I was stupid to think that someone would y'know, actually be alright with my emotional mess and baggage. Not like it doesn't go both ways, but then it seems a large portion of the population are fucking hypocritical in that sense. When I was away, it seemed like we got so much momentum, and so much sorted out. Might as well have stuck my hand in the fire for all the good it's done us... I still can't settle in and open up, and he only likes me every other day. Probably not worth it, really.

Fuck, man.
I would have never thought a year ago that I'd be happier then than I am now.

Oct. 3rd, 2007

Me

(no subject)

So, this week my head has been filled with far too much self-loathing, doubt and fear. I'm sick of it. Today I say, "excuse me brain, please buck up so I can have a day that doesn't involve thoughts of self-harm and never waking up".

And so, in order to achieve this, I have decided to write about things I'm looking forward to, and things that are rad.

1. My parents leave for Adelaide on Friday. Not that I won't miss them (well, actually...), but god damn it's going to be nice to be alone for 11 days. Not that I'll be completely alone of course, my mister Ben + Jen are coming down on Friday for booze and home-cooked food, and Ben's staying the whole weekend (which is nice... I've been trying to convince my bed that I'm not dating my hand, hopefully when I bring a boy into him, he'll believe me).

2. I have a job interview tomorrow for a hairdressing apprenticeship. Seems like it's something I'd be good at/enjoy, so hey. Why not. As much as I wanted to go to uni, I can't afford it and no one will help me afford it, so I'm stuck on my own again, having to compromise. As much as it hurts that people continually keep going back on their word in relation to this situation (and related topics), I can't be bothered being heart broken anymore. Time to take care of myself, no one else is going to help.

3. The weekend of Muse/Bad Religion fun draws closer and closer, and I'm super excited. Sure, it's a good month away, but god I need something fun and stupid to look forward to, and dancing under the stars to a great band sounds like it'll work for me.


One of the hardest things a person can do is teach themselves to breathe again... It's weird, getting to know your brain again after it's been on a vacation for so long.

Sep. 28th, 2007

Me

(no subject)

Watch as I spin, turn, twist and magically transform into an imitation of myself. Impressed? I know I am.

Today I watched myself go from me, to some kind of passive agressive vision of the future. When I got verbally bitch-slapped without warning or reason, I didn't fight back. I took it lying down, I even ended up convincing myself I was actually at fault. And now, after playing a little Theme Park, drinkin' a little soda and closing my eyes for ten minutes, I'm back again, like I astrally projected the real me, went on holiday for a few hours and then suddenly, I was back in this horrid body again, ready to ask myself, "what the fuck just happened?"

I'm at a loss to describe what's going on with me. One minute, I'm good. I see the future, or at least a few steps out of this terrible hole I've created for myself, and I feel alright. I feel like I can do it. A minute later, I'm digging my nails into my flesh and am begging my brain to shut up, 'cause I can't take the consistent agony of being stuck at a certain place in life. No job, no money, no one that really is concerned or gives a shit... It's odd how that's been okay for pretty much my whole life, but now it's bothering me like nothing else. All I think about is either ways to get out of the hole, or ways to fall back into the hole. It's like I'm aruging with a drug addict or something, but he keeps hitting back with decent reasons to feel something else. Bad analogy, but it's all I can come up with.

I gotta tell you, it's worrying when your parents tell you that they're going away for 11 days, and you feel absolute, pure joy for about 10mins after hearing this news. All you can think is, "I GET TO BE ALONE FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS". Is that normal? Probably more normal than I'm giving myself credit for. But fuck man, to get back my independence for 5mins is going to be pure joy. Cooking, cleaning, driving around in a car... These things I once took for granted (hell, I once hated) are now all I want.

I'm in way, way too deep.
Gotta get out. Learn to breathe again, move on, something like that.




And this makes no sense whatsoever.
Fuck I'm depressed.

Sep. 26th, 2007

Me

(no subject)

I haven't eaten all day. Couldn't really afford food. But I went to an unsuccessful job interview, hated every second of it, caught the bus back here to Ben's, felt awful about completely and totally over-staying my welcome, cried for an hour and a half, and now I'm about to put make-up back on. Oh, I got rained on too. Fuck you, universe. I'm over your bullshit.

I really wish I was at home in bed right now, watching Gilmore Girls and eating Fried Rice, and feeling deeply sorry for myself. But alas, I'm not in a position to be able to do that... As much as I had the hardcore urge to grab a bus home today, I can't afford a bus up tomorrow for ANOTHER interview, so I'm stuck being a complete pain in the ass and severe inconvinience to my boyfriend. Great. I'm a fucking jerk.

I'm tired today. Tired of waking up without a plan, tired of biding time and having no money, of having no car and of being completely unhappy with myself. The temptation to just sleep when I got back here was so huge... It's huge even now. This may also be because food hasn't given me energy today, but I can't be bothered thinking about it too much.

All I keep thinking is, "I'd give anything to not wake up tomorrow."
Which is kinda scary. I haven't felt like that in years.

Sep. 23rd, 2007

Me

Never mind the bollocks, here's springtime.

I gotta tell you, today easily could have been shit.

It's one thing to wake up feeling shitty and lethargic on a nice day. It's another thing to essentially get kicked out of the house in order for someone else to get their kicks when you're broke, without transport AND feeling like shit. Yeah, fucking terrible is what it is.

That being said, if such a thing hadn't happened, I would have gotten to have a lovely, lovely afternoon. I got to walk in the sunshine, I got to hang with a very dear friend, I got to see a middle-aged man in a cape, and I got to stare longingly at various girls' breasts. I came home with treatments for my hair, and the first season of the Henry Rollins Show on DVD. Still broke, but a little brighter, and a little less broken.

Sep. 22nd, 2007

Me

Random statements.

- I have a job interview on Monday.
- If I get this job, everything I earn HAS to go towards the purchase of a new car.
- The new Foo Fighters album is good.
- It is hard for me to go into JB HiFi without buying several things.
- My STAT prep course today was supremely excellent in... well, preparing me.
- Ben is wonderful and lovely.
- I feel like going out for dinner and a movie.
- I hate being a girl, and all the horrid lady issues that comes with it.
- On the reverse side of things, I love that a simple implant in my arm makes it even harder for me to get pregnant (though it was highly, highly unlikely beforehand, better to be safe than sorry).
- Speaking of which, getting laid is both awesome and frequent these days.
- The more I see of David Grohl, the more I want of David Grohl.

Sep. 16th, 2007

Me

(no subject)

Last night I burnt my hand. I didn't even realise what I'd done, until I saw my skin bubbling.

Today I slept in until 1pm, simply because I had nothing better to do.

No one wants to hang with me. And I want to hang with no one.




And so, I ask myself, just what the FUCK are you doing?
Whoever planted this "change your life" idea in your head is an idiot.
Go to sleep. Never wake up.


Even the nightmares are better than this shit. At least I'd feel something.
Not just...

Empty.

Previous 10