So, here I am.
I figured it out. Well, sort of. I've figured out enough, for now.
Never did I think I'd be in a job where I had authority. Where not only would I be making a difference, and be having people report and answer to me, but where I would LIKE to be working! And getting along, and feeling appreciated. I think my boss really likes me, and it seems like we have a really good rythm going on. One of our staff members resigned today (gave us lots of notice, which was appreciated) so now I get to do stuff like recruiting, and interviewing, and short listing. I can't believe I made it here. Who'd have though stints in banks and telecommunications companies could lead me to running a customer service team at an online DVD rental company? Not I, man. I figured I'd be from job-to-job for a few years while I figure myself out. And yet, I'm pretty okay here. I get paid a good wage, I work with decent people (I think I might have made a decent friend in one of the project managers too), and I'm working with a product I dig. Pretty much all I've ever expected from a normal person job, y'know? Good. I'm happy here for now.
I moved in with Ben on the weekend (well, my stuff anyhow), and I'm pretty much glowing all over. I come home, we have a few drinks, bitch about our days, maybe watch a movie or some Sopranos, make dinner, have a laugh... He's easily the best and most excellent person I've ever known. Different to anyone I've ever "liked"/been attracted to, in the sense that initially it was totally physical. Which sounds terrible, but to be honest, maybe I didn't know him that much when we started hanging out. It was just sheer good luck that we got on so well, and had to much in common. Usually I'm all about the mental stuff, but this time it's worked out the other way around. Score. I'm blissfully happy.
So the other night, I went to sleep and had this dream about Rach. We were walking together in a record store, and she turns to me and goes, "I never saw much point in suicide". And then I woke up. I'm sure it means something, but I don't care. It's the first non-nightmare dream I've had about her in... well, since she died. She looked beautiful too, her hair was white and her eyes were sparkling. I like to think that's the way she look when she went away.
So, I might drink a little more than I used to, and I might have a few more nightmares than normal... But so far, everything's okay. I'm good. It's nice.
And I'm in love, and my job is good, and my house is nice. And I can afford decent make-up, and to splurge on a "Troy" DVD box set and "Finding Nemo" on DVD... And I think I'm happy.
I miss Scott a bit, but only in the sense that I miss his company. I still find it odd that I can't talk about wrestling with someone. But I love that we're still friends, and that things like drinks and smiles and hanging out aren't out of the question. And that he can talk to me about girls, and I can talk about Ben. That's the way it should be. I hope he finds someone much, much better than I ever could have been. I mean, I think it sucks a little that a lot of our friends have chosen sides (like it was needed... most civil and loving break up ever), but I get it.
So that's it. The world of miss En Jay.
Someone remind me to marry Mecca Cosmetica.